AVA

The city rumbles around me, alive with the nocturnals coming out of hiding for their nightly shifts of roaming, scavenging, and partying. Me? I sit on the steps in front of my building, letting the cold concrete seep through the fabric of my bootcut yoga pants and settle into my bones. It’s brisk outside, but by the shiver that runs through me, it might as well be midwinter and not an early pleasant New York City fall. Although I’m sure my ACDC baby tee isn’t helping matters. 

I shift my wrist to look at my watch. 

He’s ridiculously punctual, so I know he’ll be here in the next two minutes, but still, I’m a little surprised he isn’t already here. What won’t surprise me will be the look he always gives me when he sees I’m not ready yet. He’ll let his head fall back slightly and groan in annoyance, “Ava…. Please! The train’s probably going to be packed, we should go.” 

Of course, tonight will be different. Tonight he’ll shoot from annoyed straight to angry—even though he “hates to get angry”, angry he will be. He’ll roll his eyes and think, not this again. I’ll stand there looking at his eyebrows, so he’ll think I’m looking him in the eye, I’ll recite the types of penguins in my head to stop myself from crying or backing out. We’ll go a few days without talking before we randomly go for lunch or the grocery store and fall back into our usual flow of best friends. 

He walks up the sidewalk, his hands in his pockets, but his jacket open. He sees me sitting on the steps and immediately breaks into a grin—the smile that melts me. 

“Hey! Didn’t think I’d find you out here.”

I stood up and he leaned in to kiss me—I didn’t lean away. 

Looking at my outfit, he groans, “Ava, babe, please tell me you’ll be super quick and change because the doors close in like 40 minutes and we still have to catch the train there.”

I looked down and crossed my arms. Let the show begin.

“I can’t do this anymore, Issak. I’m sorry, but we have to just go back to the way things were before.”

His smile was gone. I could feel it without looking.

“What.”

It wasn’t a question. More like a statement or a reflex? I repeated myself and then began my recitation: Adeline, Chinstrap, Emperor, and Genroo. He didn’t speak for a bit—just stood there on the steps below me. Staring at me. 

I have to admit, this was a bit of new territory. Usually, the silence comes in a bit later. 

“Issak—”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me again. That you’ve done this to me more than once, to even begin with!” Whatever silence had settled only seemed to serve as a warning to the yelling that would ensue, and that I definitely wasn’t prepared for. 

“For all the romance you like to read and write and all the hope that you say you have for love, you sure know how to break a guy’s heart and treat him so carelessly. I don’t understand what it is that you want from me. Why you drag me along like this? You give me hope just to take it away—time and time again!

“And I don’t know who to blame for it anymore because I’m the fool who keeps crawling back like the sad, rejected stray begging for scraps, for a single chance to show you how much I love you.. 

“I don’t know if this is some sick attempt at getting inspiration for your book, but I’m done. I can’t do this with you anymore, Ava. I’m sick and tired. I won’t do it anymore. 

“You want poetic? You want passion? You want climax? Fine, let me give it to you in a language you might digest. 

“I am the human ruins of what it is to be loved by you. 

“A relic eroded by time and space and the incessant need of humanity—your incessant need—to destroy everything you touch, what isn’t yours to break!”

He was going way off script. It actually threw me off, completely. He was beyond angry. I can feel it vibrating off him in waves. He’s in pain. Physical pain. But it’s hardening and turning into resentment right in front of me. 

He resents me.

He hates me. 

“Or you know what, I retract that last part of my declaration because yeah, it was yours to break. I gave it to you. Wholly and unconditionally. And ruin it is what you’ve done.” There was no break in his entire monologue. Not a moment in which he seemed to need to think about what to say next. It all came from his chest and made room for the resentment to settle in. 

“But I refuse to stand here any longer and let you gather the supposed inspiration you need to write your story. I’m taking myself out of the narrative. My heartbreak, my demise, my humiliation isn’t yours to put on the page. I don’t give you that. I won’t.”

I’m not sure at what point my recitation of penguins ended, but I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. My silence was typical. I never strayed from the script. “But I hope that whatever it is you’re pretending to be feeling right now is enough inspiration to get you going—at least for a while, until you can find the next poor bastard damned enough to fall in love with you.”

Every dark thought he had ever had about me spewed out like venom. The only other time I can remember him being this angry is when we were fifteen and he caught my homecoming date being pushy with me in the corner of the school gymnasium. He shoved him off me and threatened him. In front of everyone. I stood behind him, hiding, holding his arm so he wouldn’t hit my date, but more so because I was afraid he would leave or walk away. 

But he didn’t. 

He yelled, watched the kid walk away, then turned around to hug me. I cried on his chest and he held me. Whispered that I was okay. He had taken care of it. Then he took me home, slept on our couch, and woke me up in the morning to take me out for pancakes.

We never discussed it again.

“You know, the sickest part of all of this is that I love you. I have loved you since I was a boy. And as much as I know that you love me, I can’t wait around anymore for you to let me feel it too.”

And that was it—he was done. Done with his speech. Done with me. 

“Issak.”

“Goodnight, Ava.”

He turned around and walked away, his hands tucked in his pockets. I stood there for a minute, biting my lip and holding my breath. The tears I seemed to have held in all these years finally paved their way down my face. 

There was nothing about this that I would ever want written down—anywhere. Ever. Ruins to be a spectacle centuries later. Revisited and explored for the sake of figuring out their history. Their impact. 

He was right about one thing at least—I do have an incessant need to break what was never mine to have. 

I did this. 

Me. 

It’s always been me. 

ISSAK 

I walked up to her door with a purpose and gave it five swift, determined knocks. I leaned against the frame of her front door, letting my head fall between my shoulders, replaying the last three weeks in my head. Every moment and every conversation played on a loop endlessly from the moment that I talked to Roni. 

How? 

How could she?

Her front door opened suddenly, and I looked up into her surprised expression, “What are you-” she began before I interrupted her by inviting myself in. 

“We need to talk.” 

She closed the door behind me and followed me into her living room. Take out boxes littered her kitchen island, and I could see that she had had one of her nights in. The stale popcorn on the coffee table, the soda cans littered all around. Chocolate. Candy. Her favorite blanket and pillow are on the couch. The TV was off, and she was dressed for the day, but I couldn't be sure whether the scene was from last night or nights prior. It would be very like her to leave it out for a few days before she cleaned up, but that wasn't what I was here about. 

I turned around to look at her and found her next to the kitchen island, clearing out the half-empty takeout containers and cleaning up around her—never meeting my eye. 

“There's nothing for us to talk about. I don't even know why you're here.” 

My anger intensified. “Oh, really? You have no inkling as to why I would be here demanding to speak with you?” 

She continued with the boxes, stuffing them into the bin next to the island a little harsher than necessary, “Nope, not at all.” 

“Really?” I crossed my arms and stood firm, “How about the fact that you're pregnant and I had to find out from someone else?”

She hesitated momentarily but still refused to look up at me. “I don't know what you're talking about.” 

“Ava, don't lie to me. I've known you since we were kids. I know what you look like when you lie. Do me the favor of not doing so to my face.” 

She looks up at me, abandoning her efforts with the takeout, and leans against the island to cross her arms over her chest. “So what if I am? What makes you think it's yours?”

Un-freacking believable. 

“Don't play that game with me. You and I both know it's mine. Where do you get off hiding it from me, huh? Were you seriously not going to tell me?” 

She moves her hands to her hips now, more determined as she steps forward to meet me face-to-face. 

“So what if I hadn’t? This has nothing to do with you, whether it's yours or not, it's mine. Whatever part you may have had in it, it's my body and it's my choice. We're not together, or did you forget?” 

“I haven't forgotten anything.” 

“Great! Then let me, for the sake of clarity, lay out our situation—shall I? You and I have been on and off for half a decade. We've known each other our entire lives, and we've been best friends since we were kids. But let's get one thing straight: we dated, it didn't work out; we dated again, it didn't work out; we date again, and it doesn't work out. Yes, now I'm pregnant! Thank you for the condolences. It's the repercussions of the actions we took when we were together. However, once again, we are no longer together. Therefore, the consequences are mine to deal with. Or what, you're telling me you want to be a father now?” 

“Don't do that, Ava! It’s not a good look for you.” 

“Don't do what? Lay out reality in front of us? Because that's what I'm doing! What are you doing? What do you think this is gonna do, huh? You have a life and a career ahead of you. You're just getting started, and frankly, so am I!

“I understand that maybe to you, my writing isn't a career yet, but it doesn't mean that I don't plan to make it one!” 

“Don't do that! It’s not fair, and you know it! I have always believed in your writing. I have always encouraged you, supported you over the years, so don't throw that in my face and make it seem otherwise!”

“Oh, sweetheart, life isn’t fair! And I'm not throwing it in your face, again, I'm stating reality. You have a career that you're working on. Having a kid right now would only interrupt that, tell me that I’m wrong.”

Of course, she didn’t stop long enough to let me open my mouth. Just a fraction of a second to establish a brief pause in her indignation. 

“And where do you get off coming to my house yelling at me about my lies? Where do you get off acting all high and mighty, pretending to be what, some kind of hero? Here to take responsibility for the little gremlin growing in my oh so virtuous womb? What, you wanted it to start calling you Daddy already!?

“Are you that sick in the head!?” 

I was growing tired of her tantrum. “Don't test me, Ava.” 

“No, you don't test me! We have known each other our entire lives so you know damn well that I am more than capable of handling myself, taking care of myself and that now includes the kid! However, I decide to take care of it!”

She walked away from me back to the kitchen, back to the takeout containers on her island. “What is it with you?” I ask, following behind. “What is this incessant need that you have to do things alone? 

“I never said that this wasn't your decision to make, nor did I ever tell you what it is that I think you should or should not do. All I said was that you have some audacity to keep this from me, when again, like you stated, this is the repercussion of an action that we took. And you know what, I am sick and tired of you pushing me away and treating me like crap because you can't admit how you feel! And I get it, Ava! It's hard. It sucks. You're scared. Well, guess what, so am I! 

“You don't get to invalidate my feelings or my role because you think yours are more important!”

She slammed a container on the counter, “No, my feelings ARE more important in this scenario because again, I'm the one growing a thing inside of me! I’m the one who's having the life sucked out of me with morning fucking sickness every fucking day. Alone!” 

“Alone by choice! Not because you have to be.” 

“I do have to be!”

“And why is that?!” 

“Because I can't count on you! I can't rely on you! 

“Bullshit!”

Ava pushed her hair back in exasperation, “I can't do this with you anymore. I don't even know why you came to pick a fight with me.” 

“I came to be here for you. To be here with you. Near you.”

“We are not together. 

“Fuck that and fuck you, Ava! I don't give a damn anymore. You hear me? I don't give a damn!” 

“You’re sick, Issak.” She pushed her hair back, out of her face, gently fisting the roots at the base of her neck the way she did when she was frustrated beyond conversation. But too bad, because I wasn’t done with her yet.

“Think what you want, believe what you want, but I know and you know that there is no one else for you or me. Period. Kid or not. And you know what else, I don't wanna hear another fucking word of this.”

 “Who do you think—” 

“I mean it, Ava, if the next words to come out of your mouth are not ‘I’m sorry. I love you. We're in this together.” then I don't wanna fucking hear it! 

“Who the hell are you to—” 

“I mean it, Ava,” I pointed an accusatory finger at her,  “I will not be held responsible for what I do.” 

“I don't give a damn what you do or don't do, I—” 

Without letting her finish her sentence, I took three swift strides toward her. I pulled her in from the small of her back, the way I had from the first time I ever kissed her, holding her cheek with my other hand, pulling her up to me. Instantly, her body melted into mine perfectly—the way it always had. The way it was always meant to. And that feeling of home ricocheted through me, down my spine to my toes and back up to the top of my head. 

She could deny it all she wanted to, but she loved me. 

This was it. 

We were it. 

She pulled me closer. I lifted her off the ground, and she wrapped her legs around my waist. I swiped off what was left of the takeout, hearing it clatter as it fell to the floor, and sat her on the island. Clothes came off piece by piece, and the fire that had ignited sucked all the oxygen out of the room—-not that either one of us tried to come up for air. 

She was the only breath that I craved. 

It had always been that way.